Do you wish that you felt closer or more connected to your child or teenager? If you answered yes to this question, you are not alone. While every child is different, most kids and teens want what we all want – to feel seen, heard, and loved. As a former high school counselor and therapist specializing with adolescents and pre-adolescents, I can tell you that the biggest challenge between parents and kids in my private practice could be solved with the magical skill of empathy.

Empathy is different from sympathy because rather than feel sorry for your child, it requires you to put yourself in your child’s shoes. When we practice empathy for another person, our brain fires special “smart” nerve cells, called mirror neurons, which allow us to better understand another person’s behavior, feelings, and intentions. I know it seems too simple to be true, but trust me, empathy works to diffuse conflict and infuse understanding if you use this skill correctly. Why? Because your child wants to feel seen, heard, and understood. Essentially, empathy allows your child to feel safe, valued, and loved.

Below, I will share with you a three-part strategy that might just be a game changer for your relationship with your child:

Step one: Ask your child an open-ended question that starts with who, what, where, when, why, how, etc. Closed ended questions elicit only yes or no answers. For example, “did you have a good day at school?” will likely get you exactly what you asked for – “yep” or “nope.” Open-ended questions are more likely to elicit a deeper response. For example, “what was the high and the low of your day today?” Even if your child or teen refuses to speak to you, gives you one-word answers, or rolls their eyes every time you ask a question, try asking an open-ended question. In case you need a little help coming up with creative open-ended questions, check out this Huffington Post article to spark some alternative ways to ask, “how was school today?” For those of you who want to go the extra mile, cut and print those questions and create a jar of interesting dinner questions to engage your child in more meaningful conversations.

Step two – JUST LISTEN. Yes, it’s actually that simple. Listen for what your child shares but most importantly, listen for how your child is feeling. Make sure you are giving your child your undivided attention. Turn off all devices, turn your body to face theirs, look them in the eye, be present, and just listen for their feelings.

Step three – use reflective listening by echoing back their feelings to them. You can start with an empathic statement like, “wow, that sounds tough” or “I hear you” or “I can totally relate to how you’re feeling.” Then echo back the feelings you hear with a reflective statement, such as “so it sounds like you feel…”, “so I’m getting that you’re feeling…”, or “so what I hear you saying is…” Then watch what happens. Nine times out of ten they will keep talking to you. Why? Because they feel heard. They might look at you funny and say, “what did you do with my mom or dad?” but they will want to keep talking to you because you are giving them the gift of your undivided attention, your listening ear, and your validation through empathy. Kids want to know that it’s okay to feel what they are feeling. And guess what? Whatever they are feeling is okay. So try not to judge or interpret their feelings, just listen and empathically echo back their feelings.

Unfortunately, many of us, adults included, have difficulty identifying our emotions. This ability to perceive, label, and understand our (and others) emotions is a critical component of emotional intelligence. Did you know that this skill of learning how to label your emotions activates a part of your autonomic nervous system that actually calms anxiety? That’s one of the many reasons why therapy helps kids and adults who are struggling with anxiety, depression, or other mental illnesses. Talking, labeling our emotions, and feeling heard calms us down and makes us feel better.

So if you want to build a stronger connection and relationship with your child, give them the gift of your empathy by asking open-ended questions, actively listening, and empathically echoing back their feelings. Chances are, if you do this to the best of your ability, your child will appreciate your efforts and begin to feel safer, more trusting, and more open with you.